I should've been meaner ᶠᶸᶜᵏᵧₒᵤ! (╥﹏╥) ☔︎︎

 Hello Moto

(trigger warning: mention of suicide for the sensitivities out there)

(also don't be tender over here though, this is first and last trigger warning <3)

I'm sitting here thinking about how I was a nice ass btch to someone when I should've been meaner!! About a week ago I had a suicide attempt, I tried my best the whole day to overcome the feeling. It was caused because a couple days prior I was given substances against my will and the come down completely altered my mind. The world felt heavy, I felt so incredibly depressed. Couldn't recognize myself and all I could do was overthink and cry. The night before my attempt I hit up a friend to watch a movie together the following day, she replies the following morning agreeing to the hangout. We try to decide on a time but the time she gave I wasn't going to be able to make it so I let her know this. I didn't hear back from her for hours and so I believed she was busy or something. I really wanted to watch this movie so my mindset was "don't wait for anyone when it comes to fulfilling plans, it's what YOU wanted to do in the first place". And so I bought a solo ticket and since I was feeling depressed I took a nap until it was time for the movie. In the middle of my nap, maybe an hour before the showing, she texts me that she's ready or something along that. I didn't see it immediately because obviously I was asleep, so the time I woke up which was about 15 minutes before the showing I texted her I didn't know if she still wanted to go so I bought a solo ticket. Also, 15 minutes before the showing which means we have a total of about 30-35 minutes before the actual movie even plays due to all the ads that play beforehand. 

Let's just say she wasn't too happy about hearing this. We're going back and forth through texts and she calls me out for being so flaky and that she's not "fuckin with it". She even brings up a time from our mutual friend that I was inconsistent and uses that as her ammo. Mind you this mutual friend never expressed concern toward me but... I digress. I waste the first 10 minutes of the actual movie pleading with her and being apologetic and she just wasn't having it. I ended the conversation, not intentionally, with letting her know Im going through it but still offering her to let me make it up to her. Mind you, I was contemplating on killing myself the entire day and I'm still here with my cape on trying to save the day. 

The rest of the night well... it goes aforementioned. I tried to end it and well I'm here typing this out so thank God it didn't work. But I've NEVER heard back from that friend. Fucking Libras... YOU CAN GO BACK TO UR AINT SHIT EX AND FOLD BUT A FRIEND IS WHERE U DRAW THE LINE. Not to mention the last hangout we had I bought weed and cooked for her, watched movies and she slept here until 4AM. Man oh man...

Maybe I shouldn't have been meaner. Im glad my heart is pure, even in the toughest of times.

Another one bites the dust.